


What Happens now?

by 2sad2swim



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt Sam, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam Wilson is a Gift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:40:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22618759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2sad2swim/pseuds/2sad2swim
Summary: Sam didn't want to believe Bucky when Bucky told Sam the news about Steve. The night Bucky showed up at their apartment drenched in tears. The night that tore them both to shreds.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	What Happens now?

Sam didn't want to believe Bucky when Bucky told Sam the news about Steve. The night Bucky showed up at their apartment drenched in tears. The night that tore them both to shreds.

Bucky promised Steve that he wouldn't tell Sam, no, not yet. But he couldn't hold it in. How could he? Steve fought for him. Steve said his name with such love and grace. This is the same Steve that would've rather die than to live without Bucky, but now? He sees the opportunity to go chase something that he always wanted. Bucky wasn't what he wanted. Bucky will never be what he wants.

Sam sat on the bed that he and Bucky have been sharing for the past week or so. It's a gentle and sweet thing that they have. While Bucky was in the main phase of recovery all three men would share a bed, making sure to include Steve, just to comfort Bucky. Now even that has changed. Sam knew he'd never live up to Steve. Sam knew what Bucky and Steve shared was sacred. They'd never let him notice that on purpose though. Bucky and Sam lived together, but Steve practically moved in. He hasn't been allowed back since the time travel. Bucky won't see him. Won't let him near this safe haven that he and Sam have created.

Bucky is out right now. He wanted to leave the house for the first time in a week all by himself. He wanted to do something right, Bucky had mumbled before he left. Sam knows that Bucky will be back in a minute. He knows that Bucky went across the street to get a muffin and some coffee from the bakery that they both love so much. Sam brings it home to Bucky every day. Bucky has talked about being ecstatic to go. There's no doubt in Sam's mind that that is where Bucky went.

Sam's phone began to ring in his pocket. He pulled it out slowly and just groaned when he read the name on the screen. Steve's voice quickly filled his ear as Sam picked up. "Why aren't you with him?" Steve rushed out. As if he should be someone pointing fingers in a place like this. Why isn't Sam with Bucky? Why didn't Steve stay with Bucky? The man who has loved with for 80+ years.

"He's fine. How do you know he's alone?" Sam asked sourly.

"He sent me a picture, but then said it was meant to go to you," Steve whispered. Almost as if on cue Sam's phone buzzed in his hand.

Sam put the phone on speaker then clicked off the call. The picture is a selfie of Bucky. He has a shy smile on his face and is holding up a coffee and a paper bag. Sam smiled then contemplated just hanging up. "He's fine. He wanted to get out for a few minutes. I'm not his babysitter, so I can't exactly stop him, Steve." Sam wants to enjoy talking to Steve. He wants to enjoy this. 'Wants to find happiness after everything Steve has done for him, but he can't. Not after the stories Bucky has told him. Not after Steve crushed all of the love that he and Bucky had spent building up.

The door to the house slammed and Sam was instantly on alert. "I'll call you back, he's home." Sam rushed.

He hung up the phone, cutting off Steve at "Tell Bucky-"

Why would he stay the door? Why aren't their footsteps following him entering? Maybe it's not Bucky at all. Being the new Captain America definitely has its perks, but also so many disadvantages. Sam grabbed the pistol that is under his nightstand and slowly walked down the hall.

Sam only made it halfway before he heard heavy sobs. He sat the gun on the kitchen counter and rushed to his friend before he could even see him. Bucky's bag is sitting on the ground beside him, but his coffee is nowhere to be seen.

Bucky looked up at Sam then just shook his head. "I texted him," Bucky said with tears running down his cheeks. "I didn't mean to but it happened. He said I look happy." Sam wanted to take that as a win, but Bucky's face is anything but happy. Sure he looked happy in the picture but Sam can't get past this face right here in front of him.

He crouched on the floor in front of Bucky and almost instantly felt Bucky grabbing his hand. "I dropped my fucking coffee right outside the building. I nearly broke down right there. People stared at me. I felt it. They probably wanted to laugh. 'Wanted to laugh because this fucking idiot can't even hold his coffee correctly. I know they saw my arm so they wouldn't laugh- couldn't laugh. Everyone always feels so fucked up with they laugh at anything the fucking disabled guy does. It would've been funny if it wasn't so fucking tense.

"Some woman offered to buy me a new coffee as her friend picked up the cup. I didn't even notice that I hadn't picked it up yet!" Bucky laughed out although it's not a joke. "I just shook my head then walked off. I know they saw how I looked. I know they saw how greasy my hair is. I know they noticed that maybe I'm not in the best state of mind. I know they know all of this." The tears are back on his cheeks.

Sam rubbed his thumb over the palm of Bucky's hand. "I'm proud that you went out. Jesus, Buck everyone does that shit. I've dropped about 600 drinks in my lifetime and I've definitely texted the wrong person before. That just makes you human." He reassured. They made eye contact before Bucky tackled him into a hug.

Laughter erupted from Sam as he hugged him back. He could feel Bucky smile against his ear. A real smile. Why else would Bucky smile for no one to see? Sam squeezed him tighter then pushed his head into Bucky's shoulder. This is new. Bucky hates hugs. He hates being confined. When they sleep in the same bed it's strictly an 'I just want to know you're here' type thing. He hasn't been good with touch recently. Especially with Sam.

Steve, on the other hand, could hug and love on Bucky all day long. Bucky would always melt into the touch. As Steve grew more distant Bucky's tolerance for touch went down. He started to space himself out. Sam would joke around with Bucky and touch him, only to send him into full-on panic attacks. It only happened twice but Sam has yet to stop apologizing for it.

Bucky pulled back, "I'm sorry." He mumbled.

"We've talked about that Bucky. You do what's comfortable for you. You know I love being touchy. Don't apologize for that. It's good to see you like this." Sam reassured as Bucky reached into the bag that's beside him.

Bucky pulled out a blueberry muffin and then a strawberry one. "Noticed the receipts sometimes on the bag when you'd bring me food. I never eat strawberry muffins so I assumed you had always already eaten it." Bucky mumbled as he handed out the muffin for Sam. Sam felt warmth well up in his stomach.

"Thank you."

"It wasn't a problem." Bucky grinned.

—

Sam knew this was going to hurt Bucky. As soon as he saw Steve sitting on the bench he knew Bucky would be mourning. They haven't actually lost Steve but it feels as if they have. It's not the same as it once was.

Bucky already had horrible nightmares. He'd wake Sam up at least three times a month with the screaming and crying. It has gotten better since Bucky began to recover, but somehow this feels worse. Instead of having to worry about Bucky's nightmares Sam has to worry about him not sleeping at all. Bucky has gotten at most 20 hours of sleep this week. If even that much. It's not healthy for him to live like this.

Bucky stays up crying softly to himself. Sam wants nothing more than to hold him close and assure him everything will be okay. The hug today gives Sam hope that maybe, just maybe, tonight he can.

Bucky's in the shower for the first time all week. He apologized over and over again everyday for not showering. He said that no one should have to deal with that, but Sam doesn't mind. Sam is patient. He can only imagine the pain he feels. When Sam lost Riley it hurt like hell. But the thing is Riley didn't purposely leave him, he would never dream it. Steve left Bucky. Steve left without a second thought.

Sam heard the water shut off then his name being called a few moments later. He walked slowly into the bathroom and saw Bucky standing at the sink. "Where's my comb at?" He asked so gently. Sam smiled then reached around Bucky to the cabinet beside him. He opened it then moved around some of the products before grabbing the comb.

He watched Bucky pull on knot after knot in his hair. "You know I'm proud of what you've done today?" Sam asked.

Bucky's cheeks tinted red and he grinned. "Thank you." Bucky sat his comb down on the sink. His smile dropped from his face which worried Sam. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do this. I've told you before that I want this to feel just like a friendship not like therapy. You're not my therapist." Bucky said almost harshly. He quickly lifted his head then shook it. "Not in a rude way. I appreciate it, honestly, I do. I just-"

"I understand. Thank you for taking how I feel into consideration." Sam blushed out.

Bucky rubbed the back of his neck then chuckled at something. "You think we could sleep closer tonight?" Bucky didn't dare make eye contact with Sam after he whispered this question. "That's so stupid of me to ask-" Bucky rushed out as he pushed past Sam.

Sam felt shock run through his body at the force of Bucky's shove. He could hardly react before Bucky was slamming their bedroom door shut. Sam quickly rushed to the bedroom and opened the door before Bucky could lock it. They connected eyes and Bucky tried to leave the room. Sam grabbed onto his metal arm, although knowing how much stronger Bucky is with that arm. "Bucky stop," Sam said forcefully. "You don't fucking do that. Stop second-guessing every move you make in your house. Stop overthinking everything that you say to someone who has shown obvious interest in getting close to you."

"Last time this happened I got left, Sam." Bucky spit back out at Sam.

"I am not Steve," Sam said harshly. "We might share the same suit and Bucky we might have been friends, but after he shit he did to you I knew I wasn't going to be like that." Bucky's body fell slack against Sam's hold on his arm. "Can we go lay down now?" Bucky's eyes fell into his soft smile.

"Sam you don't have t-"

"I know I don't. I want to. Have for a while now buddy." Sam pulled Bucky's arm, leading him to the bed.

They both lied down on the bed, not sure who should make the first movement. Sam reached his hands over his head and pulled off his shirt. He slowly moved in closer to Bucky, feeling the heat practically radiating off of him. He knows Bucky likes being held, he's seen it before. He often wonders if he liked being held even when Steve was smaller. The idea of that in his head is jarring but he wouldn't put it past either of them.

Sam placed an arm over Bucky's stomach, using him almost as a human body pillow. Bucky slowly turned so his back was to Sam. They pushed again each other, each feeling the intimacy right away. Sam lightly brushed through Bucky's slightly wet hair with his fingers. Sam wishes he could sleep, he's so fucking tired, but maybe tonight is the one night he'll outlive Bucky.

Bucky's breathing quickly evened out. He fell into Sam's hold, confused about why he'd miss out on this for so long. It feels like it did with Steve before they ever did anything. The first time they touched they both wondered why hadn't they done it before. Bucky held onto Sam's hand that is over his hip. He squeezed it lightly and smiled to himself, for the second time today.

—

"I want to get a haircut." Bucky had said early that next morning. "I want you to cut my hair." He had finally restated to Sam.

Sam ran his fingers through Bucky's long hair and smiled. "You sure about this?" He asked as he grabbed their kitchen scissors with Bucky sitting in front of him with a towel around his neck. Sam had joked that he had never done that before, but he had made sure that Bucky would love his new hair. "I feel like kitchen scissors shouldn't be used." Bucky chuckled then rubbed his eyes.

"My Ma did it a lot before the war." Bucky shared with Sam. "Always pulled all the ladies back then, so I'm sure it can be fine." The joke came across flat but Sam still laughed.

Sam has never cut hair before, but he's sure it can't be too hard. Bucky won't let him use the electric razor, due to the loud buzzing being right next to his head, so Sam hopes this will work out well.

As Sam cut away Bucky's hair they both gently swayed to the music that is playing from their record player. Sam has been trying to introduce Bucky to newer music, and it has kinda worked so far. Bucky likes more punk rock music than anything else at the moment, so Sam is willing to make the sacrifice and listen to it. On harder days they put on slow music, like indie rock or something alternative. Bucky likes to slowly move around the apartment on these days, just lost in himself. He doesn't like the silence anymore, Sam still isn't sure why but he never questions Bucky.

Sam pulled himself out of his thoughts right at the end of cutting Bucky's hair. Bucky is sat completely still in the chair and hasn't remotely moved in lord knows how long. Sam remembers the swaying but when did it stop? Sam sat the scissors down beside him on the bar and took the towel off of Bucky's shoulders. Bucky didn't even flinch. Sam's heart began to race, what had he done? He knows he should've been paying attention more but everything was going so well. 

The deafening silence around them struck Sam as soon as he thought about it. Of course, the fucking record has stopped. Usually, Bucky was the one to gripe about it, but now he's practically frozen solid in place. Sam attempted to pick up the towels without throwing hair everywhere, he doesn't want to clean up after Bucky is brought out of this. He wants to be able to comfort Bucky if Bucky would even want it.

They both slowly walked into their bedroom, Sam whispering things slightly to Bucky. The disassociations only happen once in a blue moon, but Sam assumes this is strictly because Bucky has not had a haircut since leaving the ice. Sam sat Bucky down at the bed, where he stayed staring at the ground. This is all too much. Sam fucking knows that Steve would know every single sweet word to bring Bucky back. Steve would say that stupid fucking phrase that he lied about and Bucky would be okay.

Sam crouched in front of Bucky and stared up at his blank face. "Bucky, please I'm sorry." Sam can feel the tears welling up in his eyes. This is so fucking shitty, Sam thought to himself. "I should've paid more attention I'm sorry." Sam isn't sure what he's talking about anymore. Should he have paid more attention to Steve before he decided to make this life-changing move or is this strictly about a haircut?

As the hours passed around them, Sam began to do things around the house before making it back to Bucky. It has only been about 5 hours. That could be worse, Sam tried to convince himself. He knows this could last for days, weeks, months, even years. Sam lied behind Bucky in the bed and slowly dozed off.

—

It was around midnight when Sam was woken up by Bucky shaking him awake. "Sam, fuck, Sam I'm sorry," Bucky whispered. Sam jolted out of his sleep and stood in front of Bucky. Before either of them could speak again, they were both reaching for each other. Bucky pulled Sam down into his lap and just squeezed him tight. Sam was a bit more hesitant to hug Bucky with even half the strength of Bucky holding him, but Sam still held on. "It hasn't been that long right? I know the clock says 12 but, like, it's still kinda today right?" Bucky rushed out.

"Yeah Bucky, it's still kinda today. I just cut your hair this morning." Sam cried into Bucky's shoulder. They both know this could've been worse.

"Please don't do that Sam," Bucky pulled Sam away from him and they just stared at each other. Sam understands why all the 'ladies' loved Bucky back before the war. His short hair shows off his strong face. It shows off ever dark contour and the sharp bone structure that he was blessed with. "Does it at least look good?" Bucky tried to joke.

"You only had the best barber in town." Sam moved off of Bucky's lap to sit beside him.

Bucky laughed then looked over at Sam, "Thank you for staying with me. That is a lot more than I could ever ask for." He smiled from ear to ear and Sam just waited for a snarky comment to come. "Now, I understand the last idea that I had ended up poorly, but I have another one." Sam laughed and just prayed that this one would maybe result in something better.

—

As they walked into the animal shelter Bucky mentioned one particular cat that he had seen on the one day he left the apartment. Bucky had explained to Sam that when he walked by the cat wouldn't take her eyes off of him.

They stopped at the desk to ask where the animals from the window are now. The young girl at the desk, her name tag read Kylie, smiled at them both with almost too much joy. "We have sold a few, but the rest would be in the holding sections on the back. The cats get overwhelmed if they stay in the window for too long. Are y'all looking to adopt one?" Kylie asked kindly.

Bucky and Sam answered at the same time, with different answers. The girl looked at Bucky, who said yes and continued to talk almost too sweetly to him.

Kylie led them both to the back when Sam began to notice Bucky's fidgeting. "Which cat did you see in the window? Don't want you to get your hopes up if it's gone." She asked kindly.

"Uh, it was all white. She-or he- followed me as I walked past, so I stopped to look at it." Bucky's cheeks went red which only made Sam smile.

Kylie's eyebrows pushed together in confusion, "We only have one pure white cat, but she's not too fond of people. She's been brought back a few times." She said kindly. "We can find her though. Give me one moment." Kylie walked off leaving both Sam and Bucky alone.

"I swear she was watching me," Bucky mumbled.

Sam shook Bucky's shoulder and smiled, "Who's to say she wasn’t?" Sam reassured.

After a few more minutes Kylie walked out with a worried smile on her face. "She won't come out of her cage and we don't want to rile her up too much. You can come and see her because maybe she's not even the one you wanted." Both of the men can tell that it upsets the girl to say this. She obviously cares about this job and the animals she gives away.

They all walked back to the room with all the kennels and Bucky instantly saw the cat. It is definitely the one from the window. She's backed into the corner of the cage, despite no one being around her and the door being wide open. "What's her name?" Bucky asked gently.

"Alpine," Kylie said softly. "She's real sweet to me sometimes if my parents would let me I would've taken her home a while ago," Kylie confessed. "You can get closer if you want."

Bucky and Sam slowly crept over to the cage. The cat hissed at them then tilted her head in confusion. Bucky smiled and stuck out his metal hand for her. "She might scratch so be careful," Kylie warned. Both Bucky and Sam laughed at the idea of that.

"It's a fake arm," Bucky said calmly before turning back to the cat who is slowly creeping up to his arm. Sam beamed at the idea of Bucky talking about the arm, that a big step for him and they both know it.

The cat sniffed at Bucky's hand before rubbing her head against his knuckles. "I think we'll take her," Bucky said with a smile.

—

Sam can't say the cat has been a bad thing, but she's not a good thing either. It's been almost two weeks since they have gotten her and Alpine and Bucky get along like a house on fire. Sam and Alpine are, to put it simply, better if separated.

Alpine will push against Sam's legs, on the mornings that Bucky doesn't have the energy to even move, just so he will feed her. She'll be nice to Sam when Bucky is around or when she needs something, but otherwise, they will fight to the death. Sam now checks the table in the living room so his ankles don't get attacked by her claws anymore. He has to check behind doors so she doesn't jump on him as soon as he shuts it. There are a few other minor things, but luckily Sam and Bucky spend a lot of time together.

When Bucky is left home alone he and Alpine curl up in his room or the living room and just watch movies together. Wherever Bucky goes she goes. He knew she followed him that one day at the shelter, he knew he wasn't crazy. Alpine likes to sit on his shoulder or in his lap, so whenever Sam is home he lays wherever she is not. Bucky is surrounded by the warmth of touch every second of the day now. He never thought it'd make it back to this point, but it quickly crept upon him.

That warmth that Bucky has gotten so use to has been very slim within the past three days. Sam has been gone on a mission, saving the world and shit, he had joked before leaving. Sam is on his way back home now and he just hopes that Bucky is okay. Bucky doesn't like using his phone, so he simply never charges it. This whole thing has created a problem for Sam. He wanted to tell Bucky that the mission was extended, but he couldn't. He wanted to check to make sure Bucky is staying healthy, but he couldn't. It's so fucking hard doing this and they both know it.

Sam made it into the apartment around 4 am and heard the tv running. Bucky is sat on the couch with Alpine in his lap and he's staring at the tv. Sam hopes and prays that Bucky isn't disassociating. Sam shut the door as loudly as he could without waking the neighbors are scaring Bucky too much. Bucky tensed up then turned back to look at the door, "why're you still up?" Sam asked.

"Waiting for you to get home," Bucky mumbled.

"Have you slept at all Bucky? I've been gone for three days."

"I have, I promise. Alpine has claimed your side of the bed," Bucky smiled back at sam.

He outstretched his arms for Sam, but Sam just shook his head. "'Need to shower first. I'm disgusting." It was at this moment that Bucky noticed the suit. Sam noticed the smile that slowly crept up on Bucky's face. "I'll be quick, I promise." Sam is exhausted, so he was going to be fast anyways but now he has a better excuse.

As Sam made it to the bathroom he slowly peeled off the suit, wincing in pain at almost every single movement. Steve had the super serum, so he was never this bad after missions. This shit isn't fair.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. Sam stared at himself in the mirror and wondered what Bucky could need at this moment. He can't see Sam like this. "What is it Bucky?" Sam asked through the door.

"I heard you make a noise. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Bucky asked softly.

"I'm fine. Go lay down." Sam reassured.

"Can you open up please?"

"I'm just in my boxers. I have a lot of dirt and shit on me. It's gross. I'm fine Bucky." There's a lot of dried blood. A few wounds that were patched up during the trip. They said Sam will have to take a few more breaks than Steve did, which sucks for everyone involved.

There was a sound against the door, "Let me help you, Sam. You're not my therapist, you're my friend. I'm here to help you too." Sam stared at himself in the sink once more before opening up the door.

"Leave your little monster out there." Sam joked with Bucky.

There was a meow from behind the door as Bucky shut it. "She's gonna get you back for that." Bucky teased back. Sam felt Bucky's eyes on his body and winced at the thought of it. "They seem to have gotten everything patched up well." Bucky ran his hands over Sam's arms and smiled. "You can't be dumb like he was. You have to use your brain more." Sam knows who Bucky is talking about. Steve was so stupid in every mission they went on because he knew that he could be.

Sam and Bucky stared at each other. Sam can tell that Bucky hasn't slept much, but hopefully tonight he will. Sam knows he's falling asleep as soon as his head hits a pillow. He's exhausted. "Go lay down Bucky, now you see I'm fine. If I need you I promise I'll call." Alpine meowed from outside the door again making them both chuckle. "I'll even let alpine sleep in my spot. I'll find another spot on the bed. You go rest. I'll be 10 minutes, that's all." Sam joked with Bucky.

Sam was right about the time in the shower, but that still didn't stop Bucky from worrying the entire time. Bucky and Sam have created an entire system out of the way they move around each other now. Bucky can't lose this. He can't lose a feeling like this again.

By the time Sam had gotten into bed Alpine had already dozed off on his pillow. Bucky moved closer to the cat, leaving a spot for sam beside him. Sam crawled over Bucky then pulled the blanket over his body. He's cold from the fan being on in the room and from the fact that he's still slightly wet from the shower. Bucky turned around to face Sam. They both wrapped their arms around each other, Bucky now pushing his head into Sam's shoulder.

"How are you?" They both asked in unison.

"I'm fine, Sam." Bucky laughed into Sam's chest.

"I'm sore from work, but happy," Sam added in. Sam ran his fingers through Bucky's short hair and smiled.

After a few minutes, Sam felt Bucky's breath get heavy against his chest. Sam knows Bucky didn't sleep much and now it's confirmed that was true.

—

They should get out of bed. They both know that laying around all day, after sleeping until 1 pm, is going to mess up their sleep schedule. Sam knows that the excuse of "oh, I'm sore today," isn't a total lie but he knows it's not fully true. They each got up once when they both woke up, to get coffee and brush their teeth.

Right now they have Sam's laptop pulled up and they're watching movies. Neither of them has been paying attention for the last hour because of the need to talk. It's been three days, so of course, there's a lot to talk about.

Alpine stepped over Bucky's chest and curled up on top of Sam's. A heavy laugh came from Bucky before he sat up and smiled, "I think someone missed you."

"Who? You or the cat?" Sam shot back as he hesitantly petted the cat.

Bucky shoved the side of Sam's face before throwing himself back down on the bed. Alpine jumped at this, digging her claws into Sam's chest, and then running away. "Spoke too soon I guess." Sam moved the laptop from his lap. Bucky took this as an invitation to lay himself over the top of Sam. Sam squeezed Bucky in his hold. They both know that this isn't what every normal 'friendship' is like. Sam knows that he could spend his entire life with Bucky, just like this. Bucky ran his metal hand up and down Sam's hip, making Sam shiver from the slight coldness of it. "I'm really glad you're home," Bucky whispered against Sam's chest.

"I'm glad I'm home too, Bucky." Sam smiled at the thought of this being their home. Bucky is Sam's home. He doesn't have much else.

Bucky kissed Sam's chest with a smile on his face. Sam could feel the warmth of Bucky's kiss spread from his chest through his body. His hands quickly moved to Bucky's hair and lightly pulled. Bucky laughed into Sam's chest as he made his way up. Bucky kissed over Sam's collarbones, to his neck, and then to his jaw. "You know what you're doing right?" Sam asked softly.

"I'm sorry." Bucky apologized as he pulled off of Sam. Bucky tried to move off the bed but Sam grabbed a hold of him before he could.

Sam felt Bucky tense up when he grabbed him. "Hey, shit, I'm sorry." Sam let Bucky go but kept himself open for Bucky to lay back down close to him. "I want whatever the fuck you want Bucky. I just want you to know and understand this-

"I'm not fucking stupid Sam. I know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not brainwashed anymore you don't have to treat me like this." Bucky interrupted.

"Bucky don't do that shit to me. I know you're not stupid and I know you're past the brainwashing. You've been sensitive about touch is all that I'm fucking saying. God forbid I try to help you." Sam finally snapped. He understands the shit that Bucky is going through. Because although Sam and Steve haven't been friends for a hundred years, Sam still depended on Steve a lot. Steve was supposed to help Sam become the best he could be. Sam just has to figure it out himself, and he's doing a damn good job of it.

Sam watched Bucky's shoulders hunch over. "Sam you're so good to me."

"I know I am." Sam joked with Bucky because god he misses doing that. They've never been just smiles and kind words worth each other. As soon as they met they were mocking each other for doing nothing. Why have they changed? Bucky laughed then tackled Sam on the bed. "Dude you're too fucking heavy for that." Sam laughed back as he wrapped his arms around Bucky.

"At least I didn't hit you with the arm on accident." Bucky teased. Bucky shoved his face into the crook of Sam's neck and took a deep breath. This is all so weird to him. Bucky understands that this could mean anything. When he was younger guys didn't do this they didn't show affection unless it was a secret. Bucky knows that the times have changed and some men are more open with their emotions now. This could just be Sam being nice, since that he always seems so in touch with himself.

Sam shook Bucky, so Bucky slid to the side of him. Their skin is hot against each other and both men love it. Sam knows this has to mean something to Bucky. He understands that when Bucky was growing up it was not good to be this close to any man, especially a black man. Sam hopes he's not overthinking this. "You okay Bucky?"

"Just thinkin'," Bucky mumbled.

"About what?" Sam hopes it's the same thoughts he is having. This could be horrible for him if he falls without Bucky being there behind him.

"This is normal now, right?"

"Depend on what you mean," Sam explained.

"Two men laying around with each other, right? People are okay with it now." Bucky asked then answered. "Sam just the fact that you're black alone would've got us both killed back then." Bucky had stated as if it didn't feel like a stab in Sam's heart.

Sam sat up, but Bucky stayed laying down. Sam looked back at him, "People still don't like it. There's so much more support but in different states, we'd be pretty hated." Sam informed. There's a knot in his throat and he wants it to go away. "Men don't just do this as friends. You kissing my chest and laying on me, doesn't just happen." Bucky reached his arm forwards to rub Sam's back.

"Is it going to be okay?" Bucky asked breathlessly.

"If we want the same thing then I believe so," Sam said back to Bucky. "The country is already divided on the new Captain America. A lot of people don't want me fighting for them." Sam hasn't spoken about this to anyone. He saw the onslaught of people online talking about it months after the snap. He saw when the word got out after his first mission.

"I thought things had changed," Bucky added in with sincerity in his voice.

"Things have changed, but there's still so much that needs to be done. This country still hasn't reached perfect." Sam leaned back against the pillows, sitting higher up than Bucky is. "It may be dangerous for us to be seen too much together outside of the house. When I'm out I already have cameras on me to make sure I'm okay. I want to be with you Bucky. I know I'm not Steve-"

"Hey don't do that." Bucky chimed in. "I don't want you to be him. I'm not asking you for that." Bucky kissed under Sam's jaw then pulled him closer.

Sam stroked his fingers through Bucky's short hair and grinned to himself. "We can't be public. That's too much of a risk." Sam said as if that would hurt Bucky.

"I grew up in a time where we'd both get killed for being gay, dumbass." Bucky teased at Sam. Sam laughed at this then kissed the top of Bucky's head. They're going to be okay. Sam is completely sure of this.

—

It's almost as if this is a game. Bucky kisses Sam on the cheek when they wake up, so Sam kisses Bucky's neck as he's cooking breakfast. Sam hugs Bucky from behind while Bucky is brushing his teeth in the morning, so Bucky holds Sam tightly while they're laying in bed together at night.

They dance around each other in every way possible without actually making a move. Sam wonders if Bucky is ever going to actually kiss him while Bucky wonders the same about Sam. They both know it's childish to just sit and dream about it happening, but making the first move is intimidating. Making the first move, in Sam's case, on someone who just lost the love of their life is unfathomable. But on the other hand Bucky, could never imagine moving farther than just this. These soft touches that light a fire behind both of their eyes. It's already too much joy for both of them. They both wonder what they have done to deserve this. 

They've been relocated into a house in New Orleans, where they are almost fully hidden from actual life outside of their own. The city set a target on their life and when the press found out about their apartment, they couldn't even dream about doing anything. Sam hopes he and Bucky can live here together for the rest of their lives. He knows he still has to work as Captain America, but it's all worth it for this.

The house is bigger than any other place either of them has ever lived before. Sam had a nice house before he was roped into this crazy world, but this is new to him. This is the type of house that is in every single southern movie ever. It's two stories with a wrap-around porch on the outside of it. While the color of the house isn't insane, the blue still sticks out. Alpine loves all of the space she gets, but all of the wild animals around the house drive her insane.

It's a Sunday morning and if it weren't for how Sam and Bucky met Sam would say that this is a normal morning, but nothing is normal for them anymore. Bucky is cooking them breakfast, although Sam will do nothing but mock his cooking skills. Sam's arms are around Bucky's waist and he can feel how heavy Bucky's breathing is. Sam is falling fast for this man he assumed he would never truly get along with. "Back up real quick, so I can clean this," Bucky said as he held up an empty pan.

Sam moved back before setting himself up on the island behind him. He watched Bucky's smooth movements around the kitchen. Bucky isn't wearing a shirt so Sam can see just exactly how the arm works. They've just gotten comfortable enough to walk around like this with each other. It's not where they're waking up and quickly slipping on sweatpants or jeans. They stay up all night holding each other and just gently exploring each other's body. It's not uncomfortable to be so comfortable with each other anymore.

Bucky held out a plate for Sam then sat it on the counter beside him. The actual light for the kitchen is off but the window is open, so the room is more than bright enough. It's been a few days since it has last rained so the cool air is slowly fading away. It's a bit hotter than they're used to, but that's okay. Bucky fit himself between Sam's legs and smiled up at Sam before he squeezed Sam's thighs. Bucky and Sam are around the same size so everything that they do to each other feels natural. It feels like second nature now.

"Just a few months ago you wouldn't even smile at me." Sam had broken the silence with the thought that has been on the top of his mind all morning.

"I was blinded by something else," Bucky responded defeatedly. "You wouldn't smile either." He punched back.

Sam ran his hands through Bucky's hair, which is slowly growing long again, and smiled. "I'm not mad, just talking," Sam reassured. They locked eyes with each other but neither one of them dared to move. Sam watched as Bucky licked his lips then noticed that Bucky's eyes were on his lips as well. Sam smiled then slowly squeezed Bucky's shoulder.  
Bucky moved back from between Sam's legs and grabbed his food. Sam noticed another missed moment and quietly cursed to himself. "Hey, Bucky?" Sam asked.

"What's up?" Bucky asked back.

"You're still a jerk." He poked.

Bucky laughed then nodded his head. "Whatever." He mumbled to himself.

They watched each other eat, neither of them wanted to comment on how somehow it was incredibly intimate. Bucky choked on his drink causing them both to laugh again. Sam stood amid the laughter to put his plate in the sink. The laughter died down as Sam had to lean past Bucky to put away the plate. Their faces stood inches away from each other, but neither of them dared to even think about actually looking at the other.

Sam moved back after practically freezing in place. He finally looked at Bucky after moving just a tad bit farther away. When their eyes locked each man could see the desire in the other man's eyes. They both just smiled and looked away. Sam pulled away but felt Bucky holding onto his arm. They connected eyes again before pulling each other into a hug. Bucky squeezed Sam into his chest as Sam pushed his head into Bucky's shoulder. They both took a deep breath together and smiled unknowingly to the other man.

As they both pulled back they dropped their wide smiles into something softer. Bucky held his hands on Sam's cheeks causing Sam to smile from ear to ear. "Thank you for everything, Sam." Bucky leaned in and kissed just besides Sam's lips. Sam pushed his face into Bucky's lips, feeling the heat rising inside of him. "Can I kiss you?" Bucky whispered against Sam's cheek.

"You technically already have." Sam poked. Bucky laughed and pushed his head into Sam's neck. "You can," Sam added on, worried that he ruined this moment. Bucky looked back up at him and grinned.

A loud crash came from, what each man assumed, was the living room. They laughed at each other flinching in sync. Bucky moved back from Sam completely as he walked to where the noise came from. Sam cursed to himself. He knows the moment doesn't have to be perfect. He knows grown men should be able to have a functioning relationship without having to tiptoe around everything. Sam knows it's okay to do this, especially after everything they have been through. Slow isn't always bad.

Bucky walked back into the kitchen with alpine in his arms and a smile on his face. "She's nothing but trouble," Sam complained as he brought his hand down to scratch under Alpine's chin.

"So are you but I still keep you around." They smiled fondly at each other, feeling the love in the room engulf them. Maybe the love is for the cat in Bucky's arms. Maybe it's for this nice house that they have been given. Maybe it's something more that neither of them are prepared to mention.

The cat began to get restless in Bucky's arms so he set her on the floor below them. When Bucky stood back up straight he was instantly pushed back against the fridge behind him. Bucky grabbed onto Sam's arms, staring at him with wide eyes. "I'm sorry." Sam apologized once he felt the grip that Bucky held on him.

"Don't-Don't do that." Bucky breathed out. "Don't apologize." Sam nodded his head at this before leaning in closer. Bucky ran his hands up Sam's arms and to his face. He cupped Sam's cheeks in his hands again, running his fingers over Sam's lips. Sam kissed at Bucky's fingers causing a smile to break out on Bucky's face.

Sam held Bucky's hand on his face before leaning in closer. Bucky's breath went slow, drawing Sam's full attention to this. "Are you okay?" Sam asked softly. Bucky shut his eyes and attempted to pull away. "Don't close up on me now, jerk. Talk to me." Sam let his hold on Bucky's hands loosen.

Bucky dropped his hands. "I'm fine." Sam felt his heart twist at this. What did he do? Did he cause this sudden shyness? "I am, I promise." Bucky moved his arms around Sam's waist and squeezed.

They both leaned into each other, not quite sure who made the first move. Their lips connected and the world around them fell in. It wasn't the fairytale kiss that every kid dreams about, but both of them would agree that it was something else. Sam pulled his hands up to Bucky's hair and tugged lightly. Bucky made a noise into Sam's mouth before pulling away. They opened their eyes and that's when Sam noticed the fear in Bucky's eyes. "Hey, are you okay?" Sam whispered as he gave Bucky space.

"Promise me you won't leave me, Sam," Bucky said, almost accusing Sam of something that won't even happen.

"Only if you promise to stop comparing me to him." Sam should be gentle with this. He knows he should, but also be needs to care for himself. If he and Bucky go on for twenty more years living a good life yet Bucky is still comparing him to Steve there will be problems.

They stared at each other, each wondering how this is going to work out. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for it, just fix it. Don't hold anything inside please Bucky, but god I'm not Steve."  
Bucky nodded his head at Sam. Sam kissed Bucky's forehead with a smile spread across his face. Bucky went to hug Sam but felt alpine rubbing in between their legs.

Bucky laughed into Sam's chest before leaning down to pick up the cat. "I think she wants us to come lay down with her. We're never standing around this much in the day." Bucky joked as he stepped past Sam.

Sam followed Bucky into their living room with a huge smile on his face. They sat on the couch beside each other, with Alpine sitting in Bucky's lap. This feeling doesn't come often for either man. They know it won't be long before Sam gets called on a mission. Or before Bucky is out working with Sam. They know something will come up but for now it's nothing but this feeling. Both of them smiled at each other before falling into something softer. 

Something neither of them dreamed would happen.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted anything here ever and haven't actually had the confidence to post a story on anything in over 4 years. So if you read this and liked it I thank you for supporting me.


End file.
